How not to be a dick at gigs

I have terrible luck when it comes to gigs. Each time I arrive, smiley and excited, full of optimism. Each time my dreams get summarily crushed by an extremely irritating person standing in front of me. Shout out to all the mosh pits that happen to form precisely five inches away from my nose. Shout out to all the 6 foot plus men who push through the crowd only to stop right in front of poor 5’1 me. And the biggest shout out of all to the woman who kept hitting me in the face with her ponytail every single time she turned round to scream at her friend: ‘This is such a good gig, isn’t it?’. I hate you all. So here are my top ways not to be a dick at gigs!

 

Don’t throw drinks

Why is it socially acceptable at gigs to chunk entire pints over random strangers? You’ve just paid a fiver for that, and now you’re really going to throw it away? No one wants to end up sticky with beer – including the culprits, oddly enough, who usually moan when the same happens to them.

 

Don’t throw pints of pee

This is self-explanatory. Just don’t.

 

Don’t get so steaming you can’t walk

I’ll never understand paying £30 for a gig ticket and then proceeding to get so absolutely smashed you remember nothing about the gig itself and end up leaving halfway through to go whitey in a toilet. Think of your friends. They love the band too – they’ll probably hate you for dragging them away.

 

Equally, don’t get so drunk you can’t sit upright on someone’s shoulders

Last week we had to hold a guy up who kept slipping off and threatening to squish the bystanders below. Is this really fun for anyone involved?

 

Be aware of your surroundings

If you’re tightly squeezed into a crowd, odds are that the people behind you are not going to appreciate when you keep flicking out your waist-length hair. Again, speaking from slightly tormented experience here.

 

Don’t shove unnecessarily

Gigs are pretty crammed spaces, so everyone understands if there’s going to be a bit of pushing now and then (or, depending on the gig, 95% of the time). But there’s no reason to storm through, elbows out, trying to get a good space – just because you’re not entirely satisfied with where you ended up in the crowd.

 

Don’t spend the whole time on Snapchat

This doesn’t really annoy me, but it massively infuriates my boyfriend. To me, it just seems like a stupid thing to do. Sorry to tell you, but your Snapchats are going to be shit. The sound will be off, the camera will be blurry and, most cringey of all, you are going to hear your out-of-tune voice warbling along. A few pictures or videos are fine – after all, some lighting is just begging to be photographed – but let’s be real, it’s a lot more worthwhile actually listening to the band.

 

Don’t jump on people

This one is dedicated to all you male tree-trunks out there, who like to jump about with no consideration for anyone round about you. Yes, this probably affects me disproportionately because of my size and no, I’m not trying to police people’s fun, but if people could stop repeatedly barging into me when they jump, that would be a whole lot better.

 

Have you experienced any annoying gig behaviour? Let me know in the comments!

Image: Chvrches, Big Weekend 2014 – because you can’t get good photos when the crowd are actually lovely

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